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9 days until the greatest thing to happen in a desert since Jabba the Hut forced Princess Leia to wear that bikini – the return of Coachella. To prepare for the release of the final schedule, I’ve broken down the acts into star ratings that work as follows:

****  Do not miss this show

***    I really want to see this and will do what I can

**      Would love to see but may get sidetracked by a churro

*        Would rather watch Perry Farrell DJ (just kidding)

Comments and/or snark follows each act. Within each star grouping, I have then mercilessly ranked each act in order again. So, for example, I would really like to see The Specials. It’s just that I want to see Them Crooked Vultures a bit more.

As always, a few comments for perspective:

+ I like seeing stuff I haven’t seen before when I go to festivals so most acts get heavily docked if I’ve seen them a few times (unless you are Muse and you are headlining). I note who that applies to in each case so adjust accordingly.

+ Mellow and singer/songwriter rarely work as well at large festivals like this so acts like Local Natives slip a bit most of the time.

+ I like to gamble on acts that will likely either amaze or disappoint and these ratings will continue to change up until the moment I’m at the show. Thank me if you love a show I recommend but don’t blame me if you don’t. Fair?

Without further ado, the ratings:

DAY ONE

****

Jay-Z

I’ll be there: one million white boys strong

***

Them Crooked Vultures

I can already smell the pot

The Specials

Because this will be ridiculous fun & bring me back to 7th grade

Yeasayer

This show will convert the naysayers (pun intended)

Vampire Weekend

What you’re supposed to listen to in SoCal during Springtime

The Avett Bros.

Should be a hootenanny

Hockey

The Strokes are back!

**

Sleigh Bells

Ting Tings meet MGMT

LCD Soundsystem

Only because I’ve seen them a few times already

Grizzly Bear

I worry it’s too dreamy for festival crowds and summer heat

Jets Overhead

Meditations in minor keys

Lucero

Like early Wilco meets Son Volt. Wait a second…

Deer Tick

With Lucero + Avetts, too much alt folk/Americana for 1 day?

As Tall as Lions

Kinda like a less-catchy Jets Overhead

The Cribs

Occupying this year’s angry Brit Rock slot

She & Him

Charming Olde-Tyme music

Fever Ray

Like the Freemasons backed by Massive Attack

Echo & The Bunnymen

Would be way higher if I hadn’t just seen them

Wale

This year’s Lupe?

Passion Pit

So fey they make Vampire Weekend sound heavy by comparison

La Roux

Fun with androgyny and synthesizers

Imogen Heap

Whispery

Kate Miller-Heidke

Quirky. Looks like Cyndi Lauper.

Ra Ra Riot

Sensitive college-rock with strings

The Whitest Boy Alive

Like The Rapture on downers

Public Image Limited

25% nostalgic, 75% annoying

DJ Lance Rock

Yo Gabba Gabba without the kids

Baroness

Bang your head

Ceu

Bossa Nova

P.O.S.

Raps at 200 words-per-minute

Gil-Scott Heron

I’d love to see this, just not at Coachella

Deadmau5

Would be fun to see a few songs, then tiring.

*

Street Sweeper Social Club

Shake Your Fist Mildly Against the Machine

Little Dragon

Slightly electronic lite jazz

Calle 13

Good for reggaeton but still, it’s reggaeton.

Erol Alkan

Tweeps and bleeps and such.

Alana Grace

Shamelessly worships at the alter of Alanis.

Aeroplane

As likely to lull you to sleep as its namesake

Wolfgang Gartner

Does an electronic Beethoven’s 5th. Sigh.

Iglu & Hartley

All the people I try to avoid, conveniently gathered into one tent

Proxy

Electronic sounds coming out of a laptop.

The Dillinger Escape Plan

Kids these days and their noisy music…

Pablo Hassan

Dude f’ing around on his electric guitar

Benny Bennassi

House music, you win. I’ve run out of ways to make fun of you.


muse

DAY TWO

****

Muse

Genetically programmed to headline festivals.

***

White Rabbits

Potentially the best set at Coachella no one will hear about

Dirty Projectors

Has the potential to either blow my mind or bore me.

Band of Skulls

Could also be named The White Stripes of Leon

The Dead Weather

The least excited I’ve ever been to see Jack White

Major Lazer

This + 2ManyDJs + Muse = more Red Bull please

Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeroes

Has Polyphonic potential

Girls

The indie Beach Boys

Gossip

This year’s highest concentration of black-clad worshippers?

2ManyDJ’s

If there is any justice, they’ll get the Daft Punk night-ending slot

Devo

Past their prime but still good geeky fun

The Raveonettes

Would be higher if I hadn’t seen them before

**

Corinne Bailey Rae

Billie Holiday goes a little indie rock

Portugal, the Man

Like a less hip Spoon

Shooter Jennings & Hierophant

Like Kid Rock backed up by Depeche Mode

Tokyo Police Club

If Interpol had a bit of groove to them

Faith No More

They get obnoxious but I’m still curious.

Steel Train

Sam Roberts jam-bandesque

MGMT

Do I give the worst of ’08 Coachella another chance?

Frank Turner

Irish Singer/Songwriter/Etc.

The xx

This + Grizzly Bear + Dirty Projectors = sleepy sleep time

Mew

Long instrumental-led songs

The Temper Trap

Bee Gees backed by Coldplay

Sia

Like Dido with a chip on her shoulder

Hot Chip

Only because I’ve already seen them twice.

Old Crow Medicine Show

Should be a hoe-down of a good time

Frightened Rabbit

Okkervil River-esque

Z-Trip

I like him but Sunday is very likely a case of 2ManyDJs

Coheed and Cambra

Rush backed by Mastodon

Beach House

Is it just me or do all of this year’s acts sound like Grizzly Bear?

Camera Obscura

Extra points for song called “Lloyd I’m Ready to be Heartbroken”

Zoe

Rock en Espanol con Synthesizers

The Almighty Defenders

Garage rock

Aterciopelados

Rock en Espanol

Bad Lieutenant

Like watered-down New Order

David Guetta

Should admittedly be more fun than most DJ sets

*

RX Bandits

Bonnaroo meets Warped Tour

Porcupine Tree

Like Tool for sensitive folks

Flying Lotus

DJ Shadow-esque. Maybe if I’m tired

Bassnectar

An amazing recreation of the same music you heard in 2001

Dirty South

Not the worst house music I’ve ever heard…

John Waters

This year’s Sean Penn. Bizarre.

Tiesto

Bland electronic-type stuff

Les Claypool

There won’t be a female in sight

Kaskade

Same boring house music, but with female vocals

Pretty Lights

Same as Kaskade!

Craze & Klever

A bad year for acts that spell their names with K instead of C

gorillaz_group

DAY THREE

****

Gorillaz

Whether or not you like ‘em, I suspect you can’t miss this

Sly Stone

Will likely school the youngsters on how it’s done

***

Pavement

One to cross off the bucket list

King Kahn & The Shrines

Like attending a frat party at Delta house

Florence & The Machine

If Natalie Merchant covered all of “Japanese Whispers”

Phoenix

Expect singalongs

Thom Yorke/ Atoms for Peace

Because it’s Thom Yorke

De La Soul

This can’t not be fun

The Big Pink

Will help fill the surprisingly large Brit Rock gap this year

**

Jonsi

Sigur Ros is Icelandic for Jonsi

Deerhunter

Day 3’s biggest surprise?

Yo La Tengo

Seen ‘em before

MUTEMATH

If John Mayer headed up Snow Patrol (they’re better than that sounds)

Local Natives

The Samples meet Fleet Foxes

Spoon

Would be higher if I hadn’t seen them before

One eskimO

Jason Mraz meets Seal meets Aqualung

The Soft Pack

Workingman’s noise rock

Matt & Kim

Mates of State without the harmonizing (sadly)

The Middle East

Pretty but slow

Kevin Devine

Belts out acoustic ballads

Orbital

Kinda like Dead Can Trance

Julian Casablancas

Love the album but will he be as boring live as The Strokes?

Charlotte Gainsbourg

Though I wouldn’t mind running into her in line for a churro

Talvin Singh

Great for soundtracks but worried about sitting through it  live

Gary Numan

Unless he’s got a Kraftwerk-like light show

Sunny Day Real Estate

Seemed so much  better in the 90’s

Miike Snow

So many synth acts, so little time

Infected Mushroom

Worst name ever

*

Mayer Hawthorne

Super languid R&B

Little Boots

Even if the hipsters like it, club music is still club music

Owen Pallett

Like a not-as-good Andrew Bird

Delphic

Glittery

Hypnotic Brass Ensemble

Like high school band for Phish-heads

Babasonicos

Mas rock en Espanol

The Glitch Mob

I like the name. Does that count for anything?

Yann Tiersen

Phoenix is enough French music for one day

B.o.B.

Would be way better if he just called himself Bob

Plastikman

Come up with a beat, continue it for 4 minutes, repeat

Hadouken!

Play Basement Jaxx-like beats and the yell things over them!

Club 75

Someone should explain to me how this qualifies as good

Rusko

Club 75 can brag they aren’t the worst act on the bill

Paparazzi

Wish it was the power pop band Paparazzi instead

 

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  2. Coachella 2011: What to See
  3. Coachella 09: Where I’ll Be
  4. The 2009 Coachella Report
  5. The 2011 Coachella Report