If you read The Superficial, watch E! in lieu of evening news, or hungrily flip through InTouch at the grocery only to gingerly return its battered pages to its shelf with your pride just slightly wounded, you’re my celeb-whore soul mate. And since we are such kindred spirits, you should already know that Twitter is the ultimate celeb-whore feeding grounds, where digital stalking thrives, guilt-free and fully endorsed.
But not everything is happy and healthy in the CelebTwittersphere. Once plaguing America Online chatrooms and LiveJournal communities, a renewed epidemic of celeb fakes is taking over Twitter. And this time around, it’s somehow more damaging. Tony La Russa was going to , and Sarah Palin was forced to start her own Twitter account. I, too, have been a victim — of following many a fake. Twitter deserves some credit for attempting to take action with their beta service, but so far it’s been used sparingly, at record-setting snail’s pace.
Thus, on my own weak vendetta to “research” and weed out the fakest of the fake, I’ve determined the Top Five Worst Fake-Celeb Twitter Pages for your viewing pleasure:
5. @Christian_bale_ | Victims: 511
I came across this gem during my recent Christian Bale re-obsession, thinking that despite his fiercely guarded privacy and angry “Bale Out” inclinations, he’d have some kind of publicist-run Twitter page. Wrong, so wrong. Please note the complete disregard for spelling above the second-grade level, rampant use of exclamation marks and emoticons, and disturbingly out of nowhere, a “man crush” on some guy named Brandon Heath. And for crying out loud, his chosen avatar is from Newsies. Yet, “Christian” attempts to ground himself in reality by sporadically referring to his real-life wife and family, entering that troubling, uncomfortable zone of Real Fakeism — where parody crosses the line of identity theft. If only this took on the satire so nicely done by .
Update: After personally confronting “Christian,” I received this ambiguous reply: “@chenney: you can say what you like, but i am who i am and i would never lie about it.” OMG. Is that really you, CB?!?!?!
4. @TheRealTimTebow | Victims: 2,220
I love Gator football, and it pains me to see a fellow fan smear the name of our holy Heisman quarterback. “Tim” is the epitome of Real Fakeism, tweeting about football practice, about performing more circumcisions (like potato chips, he just can’t stop at one), and even challenging another faker to prove his own authenticity: “@uftimtebow Maybe you and I can meet sometime and settle who the real Tim Tebow is.” (Where? Your fantasy football forum?) Has also made the grievous error of using the phrase, “Getting my Tweet on.”
3. @johncmayermusic | Victims: 152
Would anyone dare pretend to be the real John Mayer, one of the most active and omnipresent celebrities on Twitter, with a Verified Account of 1.6 million followers that’s rumored to have caused his break-up with Jennifer Aniston? Yes; d-bag quota filled. Though I do enjoy “John’s” practice in humility via polling: “On a scale of 8-10, how much do I look like Robert Pattinson?”
2. @governorpalin | Victims: 755
Final tweet: “To the hundreds of followers of this account. FULL DISCLOSURE: THIS IS A PARODY ACCOUNT. I’M NOT THE REAL PALIN. Just wanted to be clear…”
Not only a faker, but also a sell-out. Should’ve taken tips from .
1. @TheRealJacko | Victims: 1,351
Really? Really. Of all people to fake, you choose Michael Jackson? “Michael,” who is “Official,” started tweeting about rehearsals in May. July 5, he began tweeting posthumously: “Hi guys, it’s Michael here. Just in limbo at the moment whilst Jehovah decides if I’ve been a good or bad boy in my life. I love you all xxx.” This leaves me wondering why he didn’t just reply @Jehovah.
Comment back if you find your own horrifying Twitter fakes. And, as always, follow us at the very non-fake .
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